Mariana's Life
Her Last Day With Us: Monday, February 3, 1997
That day, as I was leaving the school, one of the high school counselors stopped me. She was concerned about Mariana's low grades for that quarter. She had been placed on probation. I was very upset and in the car scolded her for her lack of responsibility. I reminded her of our agreement. I would remain working as a counselor at ECA so she could finish her high school. At a point in our discussion, I put my hand in my forehead. "Do you have a headache, mom"?, she asked. "No, Mariana. I'm just tired and upset" I said.
We got home and she angrily and frustrated said that she wanted to drop out of school. "I want to be a bum", she said. "I want to have tutoring", she said. I reply "You also need to do your best and put some effort and discipline is you want to have good results". I remember her angry look as I tied my shoes to go to the gym. She went to her room and knowing her outburts, I decided that it was better for both of us to wait until we calm down. We could continue our discussion when I got back. I knocked at her bedroom door and said "Daddy is here and we're going to work out". She opened the door and softly said" OK, mom. I'm doing my math homework". Those were the last words I heard her say. There were no good bye hugs or kisses as we usually did when we were separated for a short o long period of time. I can still hear those words hammering in my mind!
We were going to come back home a little late that evening, and I wanted to call you, but our mobile run out of battery. We went to pick up Mauricio at his French class, and when we got home, around 7:40 pm, I saw a lot of people gathered outside the building. Someone said "A girl fell off the balcony on the 9th.floor". I knew it was you!. Suddenly I felt as cold as ice and my whole body started to shake. We run inside the building, but the door to the front yard was locked. Your father kicked it but it wouldn't open. You were lying face down on the ground and I could only see that you didn't move. Your hair covered your face completely. That image is always in my mind and many times I picture you flying from our balcony, with your arms open and a big smile in your face. I went to our apartment screaming "Mariana, Mariana, where are you?". I wanted you to open the door laughing and saying "it's a joke, mom. I'm here". I could hear the music in your room, the inciense still burning. Your box of memories opened and your math homework neatly done. I sat on your bed staring at the swirling smoke.
From that moment on, I just remember bits and pieces of that nightmare. I remember people coming in and out of your room, touching your things and asking questions that I didn't know how to answer. Finally, your daddy came in and pulled the cover sheet from your bed. "Is she dead?", I asked. "Of course she's dead, he answered". I felt my heart exploding into a million pieces. Part of me dying with you that day. The world turned grey, when a dense fog engulfed my heart. What's left of me is only fragments that I have tried to put back together, but there's a big void that will never be filled. A sadness as deep as the ocean that lives within me...
Pain is my everyday companion. I love you and miss you so much, Mariana!
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